It came to me while we were travelling down a country road, that there isn't much time for me to really think at the moment, to gather my thoughts
To be honest we're currently coping from hour to hour.
Just when you're feeling things are going well, Boom!
Something else arises to test your patience and sanity.
It's emotionally and physically taking it's toll,
and last night it invaded my sleep...our only sanctuary we had left.
I'm carrying incredible guilt with me everyday, guilt for not keeping my patience, guilt for shouting, guilt for the children who are caught in the middle, who ask me in their innocent voices "why are you mad at me mum?" or "it's okay mum, do you need a hug?"
I'm sorry kids....really I am, I'm trying...we both are
I search for answers, glimmers of hope to grasp hold of or a phone call that might promise a way out of this groundhog day.
None of us could have fore seen this.
We've tried all that we can. But now it's time to accept the help that's been a long time coming, and about time, because we are breaking.
I had a interesting life growing up, to put it mildly...a lot of heartache and worrying for my mum and my brother....but I now know as a mother, it's something else watching your child go through emotional pain and anguish every few minutes and at such a young age.
The guilt and worry I held for them, I learned to let go of years ago, and it was life changing, a relief! Afterall it was their life and by that time I had my own family to look after and worry about.
But tell me, how do you let go of it when its your own child?
And both Mike and I have changed so many things in our lives, there's homeschooling, yoga, meditation to name a few.
And today making a point of getting out and about down to a local beach.
We're trying to keep active and busy as a family, giving our children some joy amongst the angst that we are all feeling.
Trying our best to enjoy the small moments....enjoying the calm before the storm.
Hoping every child will join in on the fun, let themselves be free from the burden they are carrying and if we're lucky, we see a beautiful smile that seldom makes an appearance these days.
We're trying our best to treasure these moments, because, and I remind myself, this will not always be this way, change is coming, change that is good for everyone, and big smiles and laughs will one day outweigh the tears and sadness....One day.